Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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