What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
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