Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
