I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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