she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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