While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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