Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
