Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
