tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
