I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
