its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
