remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
me + whiskey = a bad person
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
