it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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