Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
