i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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