she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
