The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
