guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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