I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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