i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
