Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The adults are the big ones right?
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