nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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