Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
