Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
