I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
love makes seman taste better
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
