I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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