Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
