i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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