i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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