I am midnight drunk by noon
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
