I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
