Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
