Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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