I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
