mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You're my little dorito
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
