I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
