just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
