Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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