I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
