I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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