i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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