It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
