I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
