mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
