Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
