it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
