Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
