Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
