a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
