i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
